The thing I find the most difficult about adulting is that I have to stick things out! I have no choice but to keep going, even when sometimes all I feel like doing is crawling back under those covers and shutting the world out!
As a teenager, my friends used to refer to me as their ’30yr old friend’, as I always had an older head on my shoulders and couldn’t wait to be a grown up! I didn’t have much in the way of ambition other than I wanted to have a nice job, meet my perfect husband, settle down and have children. Nowadays we tend to actively discourage that mindset in our children, it’s almost seen as a negative to admit that would be enough. I’m not sure what my expectations were! Did I think it would be easy and that I’d automatically be good at it? I honestly don’t know, but I think I expected to be permanently content and always happy.
I love Max and the girls more than I ever thought was possible and I lead a charmed life really, I have the luxury of being able to work part time and genuinely enjoy the company of my husband and children! I am that slightly sadistic Mum that looks forward to school holidays and the lack of routine, but there are times that I do really struggle.
Anxiety is my enemy, and biggest stumbling block, I am usually worried about something and care too much about how my behaviour or actions impact on other people and at times its exhausting. Ironically to say I’ve started the process of public blogging and am generally sociable, I think I’m probably a bit of an introvert at heart and find small talk difficult and that large social situations can be daunting, if we ever have friends over or a party, I’m usually found keeping busy in the kitchen.
In addition to this, there are the days where I just feel totally overwhelmed by stuff, the house needs a good tidy, I’ve paperwork to catch up on, I’m meant to be helping out at school and then have various children coming for tea and several extra curricular activities to fit in, as well as trying to be a caring and attentive wife, a good daughter and a reliable friend…I find myself wandering aimlessly around the house on these days talking to myself and mentally ticking off the list of jobs running through my head. I’m not capable of a single thought process, it amazes and frustrates Max equally that I am simply never able to switch off. The days then come that I am just so exhausted by life and all the constant juggling that when the alarm goes off, all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep but I know that I can’t as if I did, everything else would go to shit! And also there are some days when I quite simply want to escape, jump on the next train to nowhere and be free of everything that ties me down, walk along a beach barefoot, sit in isolation with a coffee just staring out of the window day dreaming and being in my own company, with no-one knowing where I am for a bit! I used to worry (shock!) that I was the only one who ever felt like this but I think the reality is that most people do sometimes. I embrace the fact that it is now so much more acceptable to admit when you’re struggling and that ‘being perfect’ is actually not realistic. I think the rise of blogging and discussion about mental health in the media has helped contribute to this and hopefully in the era that my children are growing up in, there’ll be a more realistic perception of adulting.
I count myself very lucky that I also have many, many really great days and moments and am able to find pleasure in simple things, but on the trickier days, I just have to tell myself to keep on keeping on….
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It's a mums life. 